Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I'm All In!

I had a total different post planned for today, but I felt like I needed to share what I am feeling right now.....

The last few weeks have been full of 'never before's' and first times~ GREAT first times. When I think back into what the last month has taught me, what I learned about myself, about others~ I'm really excited and encouraged.

First of all I was a camp counselor for Jr. high school kids for 3 days~ my oldest 2 boys are in 6th and 7th grade and I not only wanted to be the cool mom, the fun mom, the NOT SICK mom, I wanted my boys to be proud of me. To see me in a totally different light then what they have experienced. Up until me getting sick I was the mother of young children and parenting young children is different. You have to be an example and teach them safety, responsibility, respect.... you know, be a grown-up. Well then I got sick and was to weak to 'play'. We snuggle and go on hikes, boat trips.... not much for adventure. As my boys are getting older they are starting to spread their wings and I wanted to spread my new, stronger wings too.

 Yes, that is me holding the huge hairy tarantula and my boys were very impressed!
 The more I challenged myself to try things I thought I could not do and the more I succeeded in the things that really scared me, the more I found the Sarah that I once was and thought that I had lost... or better yet~ the old Sarah who was always so full of fear and doubt was disappearing and a better Sarah was being born. Strong and excited to try new things. I have seen the dark days and made my way through them... its now time to celebrate the life I have WITH my kids!


I think on that trip to camp with a bunch of 13 and 14 year old kids I started to rebuild or to put it better, reinvent who I am. Who I am choosing to be.... would I have ever had the courage to face my fears if I had never been challenged by UC and the struggles of endless surgeries, diagnosis' and recoveries....

Another area I have struggled in since my butt has been an open book is seeing myself as a beautiful, sexy woman. You know your family is always going to say you look great and that they can't smell anything around you. But in the back of my head I always wondered .... and doubted. They would never hurt me especially since I can't help it or change it.  So this past week my absolute favorite band was in town for 2 shows. MUST GO TO BOTH!!! One show my sister-in-law and I gifted each other VIP meet and greet passes to see Matisyahu~ oh yes we did! AND it was awesome. I have never seen a show at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor and we were not disappointed! The show was phenomenal and meeting Matis and some of his crew was the icing on the cake!
I'm on your right :)

I just LOVE~

It has been a week of concert mania with Matisyahu! LOVE his music, love his message. But it was the show at the Loft in Lansing Saturday night that I will never forget! I have seen Matis just about every time he has come to MI but Saturday, at the Loft, I had front row, went on stage with him for the last song, made friends with some great people, Kevin the best merch guy ever and Frank (or is it Bob) who got us back with Matis again for the second time.... hung out, and NO ONE KNEW I have an ileostomy!
 I wore regular non-mom jeans, a black tank top and even though I did find myself fidgeting with my shirt a few times I felt like I blended in just fine and that it was in fact true, NO ONE can tell I have a pouch! I felt young and beautiful! I had fun, I danced, I smiled until my face hurt and even though I wondered over the past few years if I am now just 'damaged goods' with my ostomy and the fact that I have had 4 kids, I feel beautiful and whole.

I know that life if just waiting for me to jump in with both feet and feel so obliged to do so~