Tuesday, June 12, 2012
So as I am sitting here in this cold waiting room, waiting, I am trying not to get more and more anxious and I am trying to figure out why I get so upset at routine appointments. It's my spleen. It's the not knowing! The possibilities of what it could be! The lesions fill the whole spleen. Why!? I don't want to do another biopsy. The first one hurt worse then the lung biopsy. And you know what? I simply just don't want to do it again!
Deep down I know what's going on. I have four beautiful children and they have been through an awful lot since Sawyer (now 4) was born. One side of this is I am afraid of having to put the family through yet one more medical issue of mine. But then the other reason is that I am so absolutely terrified of dying and leaving my children motherless. Both are out of my control. This lack of control, controls my every thought. So here is the strange part, I am not afraid of being dead.... Its the 'thought' of not being around and my family suffering my loss. Every time I have a doctor appointment, it reminds me that I am not as 'normal' and 'healthy' as I pretend to be. That weakness, the lack of control over my future, the unanswered 'what if's'.... is sometimes too much.
So here it is, I have a great support of faithful friends. I pray, a lot. I also have family and friends who talk me through my fears and pray with me. I was told by a very smart woman (you know who you are ;0) ) that I could just as easily fall off my deck, get hit by a car or slip in my bathtub and never open my eyes again. So why worry about what could be and miss what is now~! I am working on this.
Since spring has sprung, I have lost a very close friend of mine to an unexpected car accident brought on by a seizure and sweet baby Truman (my neighbor) drowned in a bucket of water in his back yard. Baby Truman was saved and is finishing his recovery at his home after a 3 week stay in the hospital and lots of medical attention. He is eating, crawling, laughing and breathing on his own with only the help of a NG tube for liquids. My friend Jim never came home. When you see how fast life is over; or how quickly your life is changed forever... I realize how sick I really was and it scares me. Could I become that sick again? Is THIS the doctor apt they lay some big news on me?
Well, in this case this was NOT the doctor apt of bad news but of awesome news! After looking over my latest biopsy reports, blood work and CT scan, Dr. G says everything is looking so positively awesome! None of my results indicate any sign of those splenic lesions being anything more than granular tissue. NO CANCER, TB, hystoplasmosis, sarcoidosis..... nothing but granulomatous tissue. Then he goes on to say that UC and Crohns are both granulomatous type diseases and these lesions could be just that, granular tissue! VERY NICE indeed! Blood work drawn today to recheck my low vit D and other routine tests, CT scan scheduled for Aug to make sure the lesions are either a.) going away, gone or the same. Or b.) not appearing anywhere else.
Lesson of the day... Don't borrow tomorrows burden's, tomorrow will worry about itself. All we have is right now. Don't waste it! ~ Sarah